In my high school years I belonged to a conservative Christian homeschool co-op. Once a week, students would aggregate to take different classes offered by parents who were more educated in certain subjects that your own mom or dad might have been. It was an opportunity to learn in a group setting (which was excellent preparation for college), and a welcome chance to socialize with our peer group.
But there were notable downsides. The group was shot through with a legalistic streak five counties long, and taboos were numerous. The biggest rule was this:
No pairing off romantically.
Being human beings with natural desires that cannot be abrogated by fiat, this wasn’t generally enforceable — certainly not beyond the co-op. But what was enforceable were rigorous behavioral standards when we were together (no shows of affection, however innocuous, during the times we would gather for class or other events). That, and plenty of breathing down the necks of kids who were known to be romantic in their personal, private lives beyond our weekly classes.
Even under normal teenage circumstances it is scary to ask a boy or girl you fancy out, or in general show romantic interest. Under this system it was exponentially more terrifying, because even if your own family had no strict legalistic parameters pertaining to waxing adult feelings toward the opposite sex, members of your peer group did. Even the individual you were interested in having a closer relationship with may think less of you for believing that a Coke date was not a heathen activity.
So, only the bravest, most desperate of us got together. The rest of us kept to our own devices, and I know a great many who are still single to this day. Much like a lot of other Christians in our age cohort.
Turns out a whole lot of Christians think that pairing off in high school is, well, pretty darn bad. Earlier this week I saw this on my Twitter feed:
From there we are linked to this article by Joshua Gibbs, published January 24th, 2019. In it, Gibbs writes a Socratic dialogue between himself and a student at his Christian classical high school. In it, he talks down to the hypothetical young man with a sort of benevolent condescension, assuring him that marriage is for his betters. Those with accomplishments. The elite.
If no one is ready to get married at the age of 16, then “getting to know” someone romantically in high school will simply terminate the relationship, because you will learn the person you are dating is not yet marriage-material. I don’t mean that as an insult. At 16, a person might have a lot of potential, but you should marry someone based on what they have done, not what you hope they will someday do. At 16, you just haven’t accomplished enough to be worthy of marriage.
I’ve heard similar sentiments from Christian author John Eldredge as well, who puts forth that men need to go out into the “wilderness” on a quest to “slay the dragon” and “find themselves,” at which point they will be “worthy” to offer their strength to a woman.
In the end, it’s all the same nonsense sophistry that arises when men choose to live in an idealistic fantasy world with over-romanticized visions of chivalrous heroics. But I digress.
Stand to Reason then tweeted the following unintentional irony later in the week.
Ah, yes, Christian singleness. What was once a rare — and generally willingly-chosen — calling has now become such a pervasive and prolonged (if much bemoaned) state of existence that an entire Church industry has sprung up to service it.
Indeed, for both those within and without the Church, marriage is being delayed…
…or skipped…
…for more and more individuals across the Western world.
It’s worth asking, then, what is causing this failure to launch into marriage. Why aren’t people getting married at the same rates as in the past, thereby creating this regrettable “Christian singleness” explosion?
The biggest reason most unmarrieds give for their condition is that they “have not found the right person.”
It’s reasonable to follow up with the question: how do those who successfully marry generally find the “right person”?
Why, it looks like back when the marriage rate was relatively much higher, they frequently (>25% of the time!) met in grade school or high school! Nowadays, when the rate is in the toilet, your best hope is to strike up a chemistry through 0s and 1s digital space — almost half of the (terribly low) number of people getting married these days do it that way.
Only just over 5% meet in school.
Just as conservative Christians everywhere demand.
C’mon folks. Humans mature sexually in their teen years. I get that not everyone is going to have enough of their act together to provide for the inevitable kids at that age, in our society. But good gosh, should the Christian solution really be just to recommend delaying marriage until the secular success sequence is achieved?
Particularly if we value chastity — which becomes harder to maintain the longer the marriage road becomes — as much as we claim to? As Professor Mark Regnerus’ work has pretty conclusively shown, postponing marriage does not equate to postponing sexual intercourse.
Men who desire to marry are generally men who are ready to show up and work. Even as sixteen year olds. We didn’t used to patronize them so — not until the passing of child labor laws in the 1930s made the Silent Generation the first folks to have to sit under self-important didacts until they were at the cusp of their third decade of life.
Women who desire to marry are generally lovers of children. If they skip moving across the country to attend university and instead remain local to their support system — who can provide childcare and material goods as necessary in hard financial times (which will be fewer thanks to the lack of college debt) — they can begin having them at an age that could make them grandparents at or around 40. Still young enough to help raise the next crop!
Instead of throwing sophistic, clever-sounding “apologetics against dating [during the years of life when finding a spouse is most probable]” at our kids, how about we use a little actual intelligence and creativity in this arena? The solution lies in making young marriage more stable and feasible, not in advising that our young people burn, baby, burn.
So, to those conservative Christians everywhere, whinging about the marriage crisis while making sure to block any and all attempts at teenage matchmaking: take your apologetic and shove it.
Come back when you’re ready to get real about human nature and the problems we face.
Come back when you’re ready to help our young people achieve a Christian marriage instead of using their naiveté as an opportunity for grandstanding and then punting when they’re not looking.
Come back…
…and let’s get to work.
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